batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
