I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
