when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
