Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
