Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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