I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
