Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need water and some morals
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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