In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
