I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
