Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
