he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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