I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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