Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
