ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
