could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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