Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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