I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
