How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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