Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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