You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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