I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
