Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
