I wanna bring you to show and tell
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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