I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
