His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
