She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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