It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
