Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
