if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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