Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.