More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino