it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
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My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed