I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Randomize
