turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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