I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
