i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
