Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
