When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
