How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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