I will die if light touches me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
