You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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