dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
True strength comes from lack of pants
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
