3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
smell my finger.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
