First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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