So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
