you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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