Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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