It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
