I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
