Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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