Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
