All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
