i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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