I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
