i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
