I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
