We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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