you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
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He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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