We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You smell like stripper and shame
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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