you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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