70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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