What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
