i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
